Thursday, November 19, 2009
EXCLUSIVE: Ex-Journal Scribe Blows Lid On 'Perverted' Weekly Workplace
HOT ON THE HEELS of the Town Dandy’s scandalous inside scoop of purportedly sex-drenched goings-on inside Eureka City Hall, Eureka Now! brings this exclusive exposé of the Journal’s own dirty laundry.
Eureka Now! recently spoke with a former NCJ writer, who likened the weekly’s workplace to “a real-time porn shoot. They even had that funky, ‘bow chicka wow-wow’ music going on all the time.
“I was cool with it at first,” our source confides, revealing that he willingly took part in numerous graphics department three-ways, boss’s desk quickies and editing-room trysts. “But then things got a little too weird, too kinky. So I bailed.”
He left the Journal a few years ago, says our source.
Our insider’s account comes to Eureka Now! in response to the Town Dandy’s column, in which a purported former City Hall employee made Fifth and K Streets’ outwardly staid confines out to be a full-tilt bordello.
But our confidant’s portrayal of the North Coast Journal makes City Hall out to be about as scandalous as C-SPAN coverage.
“Wednesdays,” begins our Journal insider. “Wednesdays were always the most debauched.”
Why Wednesdays?
“For one thing, that’s the day the Journal streets,” our source explains, referring to the publication cycle of the Arcata-based weekly. The business of reporting ground to a halt mid-week, our source says. “That was always when the perve-meter pegged 11,” he says.
“Besides,” our insider quips, “you know what they call Wednesdays: Hump day.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he continues. “Wednesdays were really bad and all, but (the Journal offices) were pretty much a constant orgy.”
Latex, midgets, water sports – no realm of decadence was left unexplored inside the Journal’s offices, according to our source. “You know how normal people keep a dispenser of Purell hand sanitizer on their desk?
“At the Journal,” our source claims, “every desk had a bottle of Astroglide.”
But it wasn’t all harmless fun and games, says our source.
“I felt especially bad for little Rambo.”
Rambo? Who was that?
“The office hamster,” confides our insider, tears welling in his eyes. “Poor little fella…”
Rambo? Isn’t that kind of a strange name for a hamster?
“Believe me,” our source divulges, “if you’d seen this little guy in action you’d understand. He earned that name,” he says, boasting of the gerbil’s “uncanny” spelunking abilities.
Rambo “went deep” late one Wednesday night, our source reveals, and didn’t make it out alive. “He’s in hamster heaven now,” says our confidant.
How do you explain such a sex-crazed workplace?
“They’re all outrageously hot,” explains our source. “The girls and the dudes. I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever met the Journal staff, but…” he trails off, blushing visibly.
“And besides,” he concludes, “They’ve got a lot of free time on their hands.”
[This article is satire.]
Eureka Now! recently spoke with a former NCJ writer, who likened the weekly’s workplace to “a real-time porn shoot. They even had that funky, ‘bow chicka wow-wow’ music going on all the time.
“I was cool with it at first,” our source confides, revealing that he willingly took part in numerous graphics department three-ways, boss’s desk quickies and editing-room trysts. “But then things got a little too weird, too kinky. So I bailed.”
He left the Journal a few years ago, says our source.
Our insider’s account comes to Eureka Now! in response to the Town Dandy’s column, in which a purported former City Hall employee made Fifth and K Streets’ outwardly staid confines out to be a full-tilt bordello.
But our confidant’s portrayal of the North Coast Journal makes City Hall out to be about as scandalous as C-SPAN coverage.
~*~*~*~*~*~
“Wednesdays,” begins our Journal insider. “Wednesdays were always the most debauched.”
Why Wednesdays?
“For one thing, that’s the day the Journal streets,” our source explains, referring to the publication cycle of the Arcata-based weekly. The business of reporting ground to a halt mid-week, our source says. “That was always when the perve-meter pegged 11,” he says.
“Besides,” our insider quips, “you know what they call Wednesdays: Hump day.
“Don’t get me wrong,” he continues. “Wednesdays were really bad and all, but (the Journal offices) were pretty much a constant orgy.”
~*~*~*~*~*~
Latex, midgets, water sports – no realm of decadence was left unexplored inside the Journal’s offices, according to our source. “You know how normal people keep a dispenser of Purell hand sanitizer on their desk?
“At the Journal,” our source claims, “every desk had a bottle of Astroglide.”
But it wasn’t all harmless fun and games, says our source.
“I felt especially bad for little Rambo.”
Rambo? Who was that?
“The office hamster,” confides our insider, tears welling in his eyes. “Poor little fella…”
Rambo? Isn’t that kind of a strange name for a hamster?
“Believe me,” our source divulges, “if you’d seen this little guy in action you’d understand. He earned that name,” he says, boasting of the gerbil’s “uncanny” spelunking abilities.
Rambo “went deep” late one Wednesday night, our source reveals, and didn’t make it out alive. “He’s in hamster heaven now,” says our confidant.
~*~*~*~*~*~
How do you explain such a sex-crazed workplace?
“They’re all outrageously hot,” explains our source. “The girls and the dudes. I mean, I don’t know if you’ve ever met the Journal staff, but…” he trails off, blushing visibly.
“And besides,” he concludes, “They’ve got a lot of free time on their hands.”
[This article is satire.]
Friday, November 13, 2009
And remember...
Next time you're out shopping be sure to pick up a drumstick for the pooch.
Because dogs LOVE to gnaw on those poultry bones!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Sixth Episode of Eureka Now!
In which your host Ryan Hurley introduces the candidates and issues poised to rock Humboldt County like an eight-point-oh on the November 2010 ballot.
[[[Part one of two]]]
[[[Part one of two]]]
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Stop The Charm Offensive!
That does it!
I've HAD IT with Google's Sesame Street nostalgia blitz.
Stop. Just stop.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
POLITICS: Fourth District Harbor Commision [Spoof]
Don't believe the spin, lies and distortion -- learn the FACTS about the candidates running for Fourth District Harbor Commissioner.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Community Wheel On The Take With Tire Co.?
Oh cool -- it's the Journal. I got the dishes washed, the lawn's mowed. Organized the sock drawer. Now for some quality time with Hank and Co.
Oh, that Joel... what a character. I might have to check out that wine.
Cruising past the news...
Let's see, what's this insert...? Oh cool -- Community Wheel. Always good stuff. I'm a big bike guy mysel --
Hey, wait a minute: What's this? Community Wheel has its own insert. What the...?
!!!
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